Sunday, November 8, 2009

Online letter

Dear A. Hijaz and K. Rahifah.

I'll come by on 15th, may be. coz then I would have finished exam, but I was thinking of going back Terengganu, too. huhu. dah cantik ke rumah baru?

Aidiladha? sure would be in Terengganu. haven't decide anything yet though.

My credit expired, and I don't feel like going out to get top up, it's raining anyway. and you guys don't have facebook, so can't PM you there. Nevermind, I'll create an account for you when I get there.

Hugs and kisses to Aisyah. <3

*ada ke orang lain wat kerjaan macam ni. hohoho :D*

*and why have I not thought about emails? nvrmnd, dah tulis pun, post je lah.*

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Moodiness

Bila melangkah keluar, menghukum mereka dengan kesenyapan yang tak dapat ditafsirkan, tanpa ada mereka melakukan apa-apa kesalahan, ketahuilah ada hati yang terluka, ada perasaan yang terguris.... sedangkan, bukan lama lagi pun kita akan bersama...

Sayang, fikir dahulu sebelum melempiaskan kemurunganmu pada sahabat. Terutama mereka yang saban hari bersama... setiap waktu bersua muka. Mereka yang menyayangimu tanpa syarat, hanya kerana Allah.

Saya sedar hari ini, banyak kali melakukan perkara yang sama, lalu sekarang Allah uji saya dengan merasa sendiri apa yang pernah saya biarkan mereka rasa. Buat Sumayyahians, maafkan angah.

Adik beradikku, mama papa, maafkan kakak....

Allah, pelihara ukhuwwah kami, pertalian kasih sayang antara kami...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Mooting

Diary Entry: October 15, 2009

As of the usual practice of the last minute missy: her preparation for Mooting ended (though by no way completed) at 4 in the morning, after which she slept most soundly, and awoke at exactly 5 minutes to 6 am, very much alert. And of course, worried.

So: She took her time bathing, slowly washing her face, thoroughly brushing her teeth, and then performed the Subuh prayer, and recited the Mathurat, verse by verse, very much unhurried. She found solace in knowing that her day started with reminders that Allah was near, always. Her panic, though carefully hidden now, was considerably lessened.

She proceed in taking out her black and white kurung, the one she had worn only thrice before, which she had, only a few hours ago, meticulously and painstakingly, ironed out each tiny creases, and got dressed. Paying particular attention to tiny details in dressing (like where the sides of the kain should go), she then put on her scarf, this time a bit different from the way she usually wore it. Today, she wore it down. It would make it easier for the blazer to settle on her thin shoulder, and smarter, or at least she hoped so.

The coat was put on, and she was ready. The time? Only 7 and a quarter. For once in her life, she was early. Very.

Riding the only vehicle she possessed (and much thankful for), she went to Pusat Komersial, where her partner had earlier mentioned that she would find a printing shop opened near Bintang Sidewalk Cafe.

She found the shop, recognizing the signs of tired eyes and worn out smile on the face, to know that the shop assistant, the girl one, hadn’t had any more sleep than she did. She waited for about 10 minutes, for it seemed that there were others like her (many, in fact), that needed to do the same kind of eleventh hour work, but for different subjects, different courses.

She picked out three red cover papers, printed out the last two pages of her case, the front cover for the additional and original bundle of authorities, made a copy of provisions in Contract Act 1950, and had them bound properly. Beautiful, her heart said. She was satisfied. Off she went to the campus.

The first place she headed to when she arrived at the Cempaka building, was the ladies room, where she knew a big long mirror was waiting for her. No, not to check her appearance (at least not just for that). She took out her black D ring file, separated the papers, and when she found what she was looking for, stared at her reflection with as much confident as she could mustered.

For a while she was speechless. Her heartbeat tripled its speed.

“May it pleases Yang Arif,” she stopped.

Deep breath.

Continue.

“I am Nurdyana Su, the junior counsel appearing on behalf of the appellant, Soul Society Sdn. Bhd…”

Thus her rehearsal begun.

She ignored all that came and went during those 15 minutes (a cleaner, and three females – yes, she did count), all attention focused to the words she had diligently thought about and typed. Font 14, Cambria, her favourite. Large enough for her eyes to see when standing.

Finished, she felt slightly more confident.

This isn’t so hard diy,’ her heart whispered, ‘of course you can do it. And do it well.’

She climbed two flights of stairs and there she was, right in front of the Moot Court wooden door.

And then reality hit.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Diary Entry

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2009

Today I decided to rant some more. If you don’t want to listen, you may leave. Promise no hard feeling on my part. :p

September passed like a blur. That fast, yes. I could not recall much if I’ve filled them with productive living, but I remember a lot of heart aches. Tried as I might to forgive and forget, seems like the “green” element of me doesn’t let go of the memories as easily as it should. [Only people familiar with aura colour thingy will understand this]

These past weeks, after the holiday ended, had been a rude awakening. Suddenly I realised I have Mooting, and research proposal and presentation, tests, quizzes, and an assignment lined up in front of me. That much works but so little time. If the past 3 semesters were hard, this semester is triple of those. One proposal dateline is enough to make you sweat. What with its presentation and Mooting thrown in as well? Plus all those night replacement classes that had to be attended.

3 Subjects with no finals, means 3 big projects to be settled in these 3 weeks before the finals starts. Don’t even remind me that we have no study week!

Few things I’m glad of, though. One is that I think I am off the hook from the contract of you-know-what. I think I had pleaded my case well, even if I had only that one argument. It was a strong argument after all. Also, I think they would be glad to see my back, glad that I provided a strong reason to leave so that they don’t have to voice out what they are actually thinking about me. [Whatever it is, I still love these people to bits, I just do. <3 <3 <3]

Just that, I really really need my time off. Desperately. So that I can be normal. A better person.

Second, I got the opportunity to attend my sweet Gadis Merah Jambu’s kenduri. Though I am sad sad sad that she leaves us, especially when recalling all the late nights we spent whispering life tales to each other (instead of sleeping), the moments when she would cook for us (outrageously delicious food that makes you think you’re home) or when I cook and she would observed (and comments – oh yes, she loves commenting, she has opinion on everything, very much like my mother, hoho.). I just love her, this pinky beauty.

Whatever it is, I am glad. That I am living. And breathing. And walking through life on this path I’ve chosen, surrounded by people I love and whom I believe love me back, unconditionally. Syukur lillah.

Life is, a blessing after all.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Pieces of Aidilfitri

Some of the more memorable moments this raya...






Kind of agak terlambat... tapi tetap dyana nak ucap...
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI
maafkan dyana, zahir dan batin.
:)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A leader...

whom she respect.

Adalah seorang yang tak pernah malu untuk menuturkan maaf.

Bukan sekali rasanya dia berbuat begitu. Tetapi kali yang terakhir ini, membuatkan Hanis rasa seperti begitu banyak menyusahkan dia.

Ceritanya mudah sahaja. Seperti biasa setiap kali pertemuan, pasti ada yang akan ditegurnya. Note: PASTI ADA. haha.

Belum pernah lagi laporan yang Hanis berikan mendapat hanya pujian. Dia pasti akan meminta Hanis berfikir kembali dan menilai setiap perancangan dan tindakan yang diambil. Tidak pernah menerima sahaja dan benar-benar berpuas hati. Kadang-kadang Hanis terpaksa mengingatkan diri, yang bahawa dia, seperti juga dirinya, hanya menginginkan yang terbaik untuk keluarga ini.

Pertemuan lepas, terasa seperti, selepas begitu penat Hanis dan kawan-kawan berusaha untuk menyelesaikan tugasan, masih ada lagi yang menimbulkan ketidakpuasan hati dia. Perkara kecil, dari pandangan Hanis. Perlu diambil serius, kata dia.

Lalu mereka berbalas kata, Aisya, Alia, Fazlin, Sarah (di pihak Hanis), dan dia.

Hanis di situ, entah kenapa, terasa bagai sedang dimarahi seorang ayah. Yang masih tidak berpuas hati dengan usaha yang telah Hanis ketengahkan. Terasa bagai dia lebih menyebelahi orang ketiga, bilamana berkali-kali mempertahankan orang itu. Seolah dia tak mempercayai Hanis. Seolah kerana dia tidak memantau bahagian kerja Hanis yang ini, kerana itulah masalah terjadi.

Perasaan dan persoalan yang pelbagai ini, ditambah dengan penat mungkin, dan amarah yang memang sebati dengan diri, membuatkan Hanis teremosi. Pertemuan itu, Hanis tinggalkan lebih awal daripada yang lain kerana air mata laju amat membasahi pipi.

Hanis pasti. Dia akan menelefon. Cepat atau lambat. Dan dalam perjalanan pulang Hanis telah menyediakan perkataan yang sesuai untuk menjawab panggilan dia.

"Leave me alone". Akan Hanis ucapkan.

Merah bengkak matanya, berkali-kali ungkapan “benci, benci, benci!” keluar dalam tangisnya. Hampir berputus asa, hampir tidak ingin lagi mencuba.

Namun Hanis bukan orang yang sebegitu. Sejak dulu lagi ‘putus asa’ bukan sebahagian dari kamus hidupnya. Lalu dibuang amarahnya, dinilai kembali perbuatannya. Andai ditegur, pasti masih ada silap di mana-mana. Besar atau kecil, lain cerita. Hanis perlu tenang menghadapi segala kritikan. Tenang… tenang… kerana Hanis ada Allah tempat tumpuan segala pengaduan. Solat, Ibadah, Hidup, Mati, segala-galanya kerana Allah, bukan untuk memuaskan manusia. Hanis akur andai ini satu lagi bentuk ujian Allah untuk dia. Hanis perlu kuat. Sabar. Semua orang menasihatkan begitu.

Malam itu Hanis lihat dia berkerut wajahnya, bagai terlalu banyak masalah. Hanis yang sudah boleh bergurau senda, bergelak ketawa, tiba-tiba tersedar, sudah terlalu banyak tanggungjawab yang terpikul di pundaknya. Ah, bagaimana sanggup Hanis menambahkan kekusutan dia.

Bila dia menelefon meminta maaf, Hanis terasa sangat kerdil. Hanis terasa berdosa kerana menambahkan masalah dia. Dia yang perlu memastikan semua anak buahnya dalam keadaan yang baik, fizikal dan emosi. Begitu berat posisinya. Sedang Hanis hanya diberi sedikit agihan tanggungjawab, yang kebanyakan masa tidak begitu mengganggu fikiran.

Dia, yang tidak ego atau malu untuk meminta maaf demi menjernihkan kekeruhan.

Benar, Hanis sangat hormat. Seorang pemimpin seperti dia.

Monday, September 7, 2009

This is good

She was standing there, looking at us all in the eye, as if to see deep down into our heart. Her face was kind, motherly.

“This is good.” The title of her story.

So we paid attention.

“There was this King and a very close friend who became his most trusted companion. He followed the King everywhere he went. To the jungle, especially, when the King has the urge to hunt, which was his favourite pastime, it seemed.”

“One fated day, while the two was in a pursuit of a deer, the companion had accidently pulled the trigger at the wrong moment to the wrong target. He shot the King’s little finger, and it bled profusely.”

“The King became really angry, gave the companion the daggers’ look, and yelled, ‘why on earth did you shoot me?’ It was of course, an accident, and both the King and friend knew this. Now the King has lost one of his fingers. ”

“But the friend only said, ‘this is good’, which angered the King to the point of fuming rage. He sent the companion to the prison and eventually forgot about him.”

“A year later, the King went hunting, alone this time. He mistakenly entered into a prohibited part of the jungle, where the cannibals lived. It was really unfortunate of him, as he was tied up and imprisoned, to be made a special feast for the cannibals. You see, it was not very often that these people (can they be called people?) manage to get human flesh for their dinner.”

I was thinking of Captain Jack at this point, being tied up to a bamboo, where a pile of woods was ready to be burned. Yes, gentlemen, I watched Pirates of the Caribbean. A favourite, in fact. =p

“When one the cannibals went to check on the King, he found that the King has only four fingers on his left hand, and the cannibals were alarmed. They have one prohibition, these cannibals, even if they have none of our civilization: they didn’t prey on the handicapped.”

“And so the King was freed, and with all the energy he could muster, he ran and ran back to his castle (well, he may as well have ride a horse or something, was the thought that crossed my mind), and the first thing he remembered was of his friend. He told his officer to let the friend out from the dungeon, and with all the gratitude he felt, thanked him for having shot his finger, for that was what saved him that day.”

“The King told this friend of his terrifying experience, and conveyed his regret for having treated him like a criminal and putting him in prison. But the friend only smiled and said, ‘This is good.’”

“This confused the King, and he inquired, ‘How can you say that?’. The King thought maybe his friend has lost his mind, left so long in the cold dungeon.”

But we have started to see the picture.

“My beloved King, have my King not noticed, that have I not been put into prison, I would still be Your Lordship’s most loyal companion. Today I would have gone with Your Lordship to the jungle. Both of us would have been captured, but Your Lordship would be freed. I, in the other hand, have all my organs intact, and would be made the cannibals’ feast.”

“Again and again the friend said, ‘This is good’. But now the King understood.”

“I am sure that we’ve all heard the saying, ‘everything happens for a reason’, haven’t you?”

“We have,” some voiced out. Others nodded.

“By turning those words into a story, we can see it clearer, right?”

“Yes.” Again we nod.

“That is how you could deal with the society at large. Stories make your point clearer, more interesting.”

“And you should apply this attitude in yourselves. When things happened that are hard to accept, just say ‘this is good’. Because Allah has promised that He will only give you a test that you could bear, right? So put a smile on your face even in your hardest times.”

“Now I want to see your smile.”

And so we grinned.

The irony was, today, after screaming all the bad thoughts out of my heart for 30 seconds to the empty living room (they just don’t yell back at you, so better stop, right?), spending half an hour attending to the hurt and anger, few seconds messaging two people I can put blame on (obviously am not an angel), another half an hour answering messages from people who worried about me (my appreciation gals, I truly love you, and thanks to you too, F & H), and all the times crying my heart out like a broken spirit (which I thought I was), I stopped.

“This is good. This must be good. I have Allah, have I not? It is only His blessing that I strive for, not human's appreciation. It is Allah who requires me to work for him. And I’ll give all in my journey to obtain His approval of me. I will be strong. No, I am strong.”

And again, I could smile. See, it wasn’t that hard, diy. You're okay now.

May Allah be with you, in each and every step you take.

:)